Feel Like Crying
A road ride on a cold day. Wind in my face. Gasping for air.
Descending as the sun begins to set, there is nothing but speed, forest, and a faint golden glow on my face. This golden glow loves me, and it loves all the other riders on the road.
A feeling comes over me and it's the feeling of knowing infinity. At this moment, I could fade into the forest or ride off into the sun. My physical sense of self and bike grows weak. We are too light to be real; we dissipate.
A feeling comes over me and it's the feeling of knowing infinity. At this moment, I could fade into the forest or ride off into the sun. My physical sense of self and bike grows weak. We are too light to be real; we dissipate.
I am high on endorphins. I know this. This is not a special moment. This is not meaningful. I must get ahold of myself.
But my chest is full. And the tears come.
It doesn't feel like crying. More like an emotional mix up. I laugh at myself as the chill hits my wet face. I need to cut this out. It's not that serious. It's not that beautiful. I am not pedaling that hard.
Could it be fear, rather than the pain of physical effort that I am converting into these intense waves of emotion? Am I too proud to experience fear, so I sublimate it into ...what exactly?
No no no. Thinking won't help here. Just go with it. Let it happen. People will understand. Or they will think the tears are from the wind.
This is what roadcycling does to me. No, I don't get it either.
That is what I call a "zen-euphoric" experience, and it's what I live for.
ReplyDeleteCongrats!
<3
ReplyDeleteMagic of life.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sensitive on my bike too, like to see the landscape. When it's uglys and when it's nice, on the bike, you see it all, through a peculiar lense.
Maybe the motion.
And when it's coming to take important decision, I do ride to think about it, I have done right decision in my life sitting on the sadlle. IS there something to do with those moment where life seems so more deeper than usual. Or is it only body chemistry ? Anyway, it doesn't hurt, it feels good.
Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteB T D T
ReplyDeleteI know it is weird. I used to hold back tears, but at a certain age I began crying much easier, and I don't mind looking weird. It isn't important, but it is nice to be free.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had an experience exactly like that but... yeah.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should change the water in your bottle?
ReplyDeleteWho said it was water?
DeleteThere are spiritual experiences that bodies were not built to withstand. Ecstasy is one of them, and is why the body aches. The spirit seeks release to go out and play in the woods, the clouds and stars.
ReplyDeleteThat's my excuse and I'm stickin' to it. :-)
At night, early dark morning, cold and windy, when my eyes tear and I glance back over the left shoulder, I'm not sure whether I see my wind tears or approaching-from-behind car headlights...
ReplyDeleteFor a moment there I thought I'd found myself on the High Times page.
ReplyDeleteI had to look that up: )
DeleteI remember a ride from Allston to Dover in wind driven sleet. The last downhill coming into town, all I could do is "EEEEEEEEEEEEEE" in face stinging pain.
ReplyDeleteAn on coming car loaded with passengers must have thought I was smiling. The driver honked and the group waved and smiled back. I went on.
Ha that happens to me when I grimace in the wind
DeleteNor I.
ReplyDeleteI've been there-- sometimes everything is just too much to behold. Life is fragile and short, the universe too magnificent to take in.
ReplyDeleteI have found myself very emotional on the bike for whatever reason. Crying and not knowing why, or crying about something else happening in life. The combination of thinking about stuff and releasing endorphins must have an effect.
ReplyDeleteCycling is a beautiful sensory experience. You are in touch with nature, you see so much that car driver miss. I've been able to rescue animals hit by cars, see magical moon rises, moon sets, twinkling stars, dappling sunlight. I honestly cannot fathom why so few people bike! The other night I was in tears because the rain was so heavy, it was dark, I was cold, the traffic lights blinding me, it was tough! I swear I'm done with biking on that highway, but get back out the next day.
I know this feeling, I have cried these tears, I feel the one-ness with my bike as I glide, careen and coast through natures most beautiful scenery and my tears are of happiness from my soul that only comes from riding my bike.
ReplyDelete"when the noon heat breaths from sills and leads" (Thomas Hardy). I once felt this warmth when riding into a small hill in the summer dusk. It showed a connection to this earth which many times we are too busy to recognise.
ReplyDeleteI have found that euphoric state running long distance, biking, X-country skiing and kayaking.
ReplyDeleteI feel great joy, limbs seem to be separate, breathing with the cadence all in rhythm and harmony.
I've had an unusually tough year in some ways, too many funerals of people I love, a couple close calls of my own and the lessening, but constant worry about one of my children. Now I'm crying all the time it seems. In the car, in the shower, throwing the frisbee for the dog and sometimes when I take a deep breath climbing out of the saddle it catches in my throat and my eyes start to sting and my heart aches like it's going to burst. Probably 5 times a week for just a minute or two.
ReplyDeleteThe funny thing is that the worst of these hard times was over for a month or more before I started weeping so much and honestly, I'm more content and relaxed than I've been in so long, but I'm tearing up more than ever... People are weird.
Perfect.
ReplyDelete